DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati, Deadwood, and their canon characters are the property of HBO and the shows's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by theshriek
[Al is speaking to Seth and Sol on the balcony outside his office.]
Al: Currently staring at the wall in my fuckin’ office is one John Monad. He showed up at my joint this morning telling me that we needed to reestablish our control of the town now that Hearst has left. He is willing to help us in that endeavor.
Seth: Why would he want to do that?
Sol: Could he be an agent of Hearst?
Al: I would expect an employee of Hearst to possess a modicum of intelligence. [Pause] This man is probably an escaped bedlamite. However, I can tell you that he once attended the Mr. Wu School of Art. He scribbled stick figures for an hour this morning.
Seth: You interrupted our day to talk to someone who might be a complete lunatic.
Al: I figured fuckin’ Bullock that you had extra time in your day now that you have been retired to private life. I don’t know if it is his fucked up brain or what, but he knows events of which he should have no knowledge.
Sol: Let’s at least hear what the man has to say Seth.
[Seth reluctantly agrees]
Al: [Gesturing towards his office] After you, Bishop.
[They enter the office. Inside John is sitting straight in his chair and staring at the cabinet that contains the Indian head.]
Al: John here is Mr. Bullock and Mr. Star to discuss your idea of a parade.
Seth: [Going into full-clench mode] A parade?!?! [Looking at Al] We are going back to the hardware store. [He starts to leave]
John: Mr. Bullock doesn’t like weak tea. Mrs. Bullock doesn’t make weak tea.
[Seth stops and looks surprised.]
John: Trixie fucked Swearingen and the Jew on the same day, but the Jew paid his $5 dollars.
[Sol looks at Al]
Al: [To Sol] He ain’t heard it from me.
John: Mrs. Garrett’s toes kept Mr. Bullock from replenishing the kindle. [Al raises his eyebrows.] Trixie pops from the wall like Grandma Groundhog and tends to Mr. Star’s Johnson.
[Both Seth and Sol look extremely uncomfortable.]
Al: Are you ready to talk about it now?
[Seth and Sol silently sit down.]
Friday, September 28, 2007
Freddy Confronts John (Episode 8)
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by theshriek
[Freddy enters room 24. John is covered with blood and sitting on the bed.]
Freddy: All right shape-shifter, I wanna know what you did to that boy?
[John looks like he wants to tell Freddy, but he doesn’t say anything.]
Freddy: That cop told me, “He’s yours.” You are gonna wished that you had talked to him. He has rules that he follows, and you still got your blood all over you. I don’t have any fuckin’ rules. If you don’t tell me what happened to that boy, you are going to see your body parts sitting in your fuckin’ lap.
John: Just ask the girl, Marie. Five pieces.
[Freddy punches John in the stomach.]
Freddy: That fucker told me that he hadn’t said anything. Once I am finished removing your organs. I am going to find him and bury him in five places.
John: [In a different tone of voice] Freddy please! I promise I won’t tell anyone else about what happened in the volcano! Anyways, everyone just thinks you just had a bad trip. No one thinks you are crazy. We will just pretend that I didn’t hear you talking last night. OK?
Freddy. What the fuck? I never told Palaka that.
John: Please. Don’t. [He screams]
Freddy: Shut the fuck up! I had to kill her. [He grabs John’s throat and begins to choke him.]
Palaka: [Outside and knocking on the door] The lost telegram has been located. The lost surfing telegraph boy has been located. Located!
[Freddy continues squeezing John’s throat.]
Palaka: He’s safe. Located! Located! He’s located. He’s safe. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t kill anybody.
[Palaka words finally penetrate Freddy’s brain, and he let’s go of John’s throat. He stares at John gasping and coughing. He then turns around and walks out of Room 24.]
Written by theshriek
[Freddy enters room 24. John is covered with blood and sitting on the bed.]
Freddy: All right shape-shifter, I wanna know what you did to that boy?
[John looks like he wants to tell Freddy, but he doesn’t say anything.]
Freddy: That cop told me, “He’s yours.” You are gonna wished that you had talked to him. He has rules that he follows, and you still got your blood all over you. I don’t have any fuckin’ rules. If you don’t tell me what happened to that boy, you are going to see your body parts sitting in your fuckin’ lap.
John: Just ask the girl, Marie. Five pieces.
[Freddy punches John in the stomach.]
Freddy: That fucker told me that he hadn’t said anything. Once I am finished removing your organs. I am going to find him and bury him in five places.
John: [In a different tone of voice] Freddy please! I promise I won’t tell anyone else about what happened in the volcano! Anyways, everyone just thinks you just had a bad trip. No one thinks you are crazy. We will just pretend that I didn’t hear you talking last night. OK?
Freddy. What the fuck? I never told Palaka that.
John: Please. Don’t. [He screams]
Freddy: Shut the fuck up! I had to kill her. [He grabs John’s throat and begins to choke him.]
Palaka: [Outside and knocking on the door] The lost telegram has been located. The lost surfing telegraph boy has been located. Located!
[Freddy continues squeezing John’s throat.]
Palaka: He’s safe. Located! Located! He’s located. He’s safe. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t kill anybody.
[Palaka words finally penetrate Freddy’s brain, and he let’s go of John’s throat. He stares at John gasping and coughing. He then turns around and walks out of Room 24.]
Thursday, September 27, 2007
John Goes To Washington
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by waxon
Bill Clinton: “I did not have sex with that woman.”
John: “I did not have sex with that woman, but she did have sex with me”
Bill: “OK, How did you know what I was thinking?”
John: “Bill’s balls jump, Hillary will not be irradiated”
Bill: “You know, I could use a guy like you.”
John: “No Bill! The Father could use a guy like you.”
Bill: “Well yea, my intentions are pure.”
John: “Bill intentions are purely Bill.”
***************************************
GWB: “I have to trust my intelligence sources”
John: “ George should never trust his intelligence”
GWB: “Well, that’s real funny, Son. Are you a comedian?”
John: “Comedy is real, politics are funny.”
GWB: “You know, my father could use a guy like you”
John: “No George! The Father could use a guy like your father”
GWB: “My father? Why not me?”
John: “I don’t know, Butchie instead”
*****************************************************
John: “We are all frail vessels”
Rumsfeld: “The US Navy is far from frail, pal.”
John: “We are all frail vessels”
Rumsfeld: “OK, get this guy downstairs, let’s see what he knows.”
***********************************************
Al Gore: “I’ll bet your Father could use a guy like me”
John: “My father does not need a guy like you”
Al: “Are you kidding? I am responsible for the circles and lines on the wall”
John: “Al is not responsible.”
Al: “How can you say that? I am fighting for the environment”
John: “Al is not a fighter”
Al: “Oh, forget this, I gotta go. My jet is due back any minute from picking Tipper up from her palates class.”
Written by waxon
Bill Clinton: “I did not have sex with that woman.”
John: “I did not have sex with that woman, but she did have sex with me”
Bill: “OK, How did you know what I was thinking?”
John: “Bill’s balls jump, Hillary will not be irradiated”
Bill: “You know, I could use a guy like you.”
John: “No Bill! The Father could use a guy like you.”
Bill: “Well yea, my intentions are pure.”
John: “Bill intentions are purely Bill.”
***************************************
GWB: “I have to trust my intelligence sources”
John: “ George should never trust his intelligence”
GWB: “Well, that’s real funny, Son. Are you a comedian?”
John: “Comedy is real, politics are funny.”
GWB: “You know, my father could use a guy like you”
John: “No George! The Father could use a guy like your father”
GWB: “My father? Why not me?”
John: “I don’t know, Butchie instead”
*****************************************************
John: “We are all frail vessels”
Rumsfeld: “The US Navy is far from frail, pal.”
John: “We are all frail vessels”
Rumsfeld: “OK, get this guy downstairs, let’s see what he knows.”
***********************************************
Al Gore: “I’ll bet your Father could use a guy like me”
John: “My father does not need a guy like you”
Al: “Are you kidding? I am responsible for the circles and lines on the wall”
John: “Al is not responsible.”
Al: “How can you say that? I am fighting for the environment”
John: “Al is not a fighter”
Al: “Oh, forget this, I gotta go. My jet is due back any minute from picking Tipper up from her palates class.”
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
John's Other Visitations - The Business Partners Have Their First Official Meeting
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati, Deadwood, and their canon characters are the property of HBO and the shows's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by theshriek
[John returns to Al’s office and knocks.]
Al: Come in! So young man did you bone Dolly?
John: I boned Dolly, and then I broke her jaw.
Al: [Smiles] You and I going to get along fine. Now John since you and I are going to be business colleagues perhaps you can tell me what you meant by “Al Swearingen should get back in the game.”
[John looks confused.]
Al: What do I need to do?
[John continues to look confused.]
Al: [Sighs] This is high water. Looks like I will be carrying all of it in this relationship. I am never going to get any peace around here.
John: The entire fucking gaggle of ‘em is gonna have to bleed and quit before we can even hope for peace. The Chief is a slow fuckin’ learner.
[Al looks at him in surprise and then rolls his eyes.]
John: The camp will want a parade.
Al: A parade to celebrate the exit of fuckin’ Hearst and the fuckin’ Pinkertons? [Considering] That idea is not any worse than the one where Merrick published that fuckin’ letter. The fuckin’ hoopleheads do love a parade.
John: E. B. will lead the Hosannas.
Al: We just had an election. The hardware Jew is Mayor. [Pause] John should we have a sit down with the Jew about a parade?
John: Al we should have a sit down with the Jew about a parade.
Al: We probably should include His Holiness even though he lost to Manning.
John: We should include His Holiness.
Al: Do not repeat back to me, what I just said in different fuckin’ words! Do you have any original thoughts in your head?
John: I don’t know Butchie instead.
Al: [Sighs again] I don’t even want to know what a fuckin’ Butchie is. John a fancy parade is gonna cost some money.
[John looks pained and pulls the inside of his pants pockets to show that they are empty.]
Al: You mean I have to pay $50 or more of my own money for a stupid fuckin’ parade!?! That is not what I meant by a fuckin’ partnership John.
[John puts the pushes his pant pocket back to their normal position and reaches in and pulls out $50.]
Al: [Smiles] That’s more like it. [Goes to the door of his office and opens it.] Johnny! Get that Jew and Bullock over here.
Written by theshriek
[John returns to Al’s office and knocks.]
Al: Come in! So young man did you bone Dolly?
John: I boned Dolly, and then I broke her jaw.
Al: [Smiles] You and I going to get along fine. Now John since you and I are going to be business colleagues perhaps you can tell me what you meant by “Al Swearingen should get back in the game.”
[John looks confused.]
Al: What do I need to do?
[John continues to look confused.]
Al: [Sighs] This is high water. Looks like I will be carrying all of it in this relationship. I am never going to get any peace around here.
John: The entire fucking gaggle of ‘em is gonna have to bleed and quit before we can even hope for peace. The Chief is a slow fuckin’ learner.
[Al looks at him in surprise and then rolls his eyes.]
John: The camp will want a parade.
Al: A parade to celebrate the exit of fuckin’ Hearst and the fuckin’ Pinkertons? [Considering] That idea is not any worse than the one where Merrick published that fuckin’ letter. The fuckin’ hoopleheads do love a parade.
John: E. B. will lead the Hosannas.
Al: We just had an election. The hardware Jew is Mayor. [Pause] John should we have a sit down with the Jew about a parade?
John: Al we should have a sit down with the Jew about a parade.
Al: We probably should include His Holiness even though he lost to Manning.
John: We should include His Holiness.
Al: Do not repeat back to me, what I just said in different fuckin’ words! Do you have any original thoughts in your head?
John: I don’t know Butchie instead.
Al: [Sighs again] I don’t even want to know what a fuckin’ Butchie is. John a fancy parade is gonna cost some money.
[John looks pained and pulls the inside of his pants pockets to show that they are empty.]
Al: You mean I have to pay $50 or more of my own money for a stupid fuckin’ parade!?! That is not what I meant by a fuckin’ partnership John.
[John puts the pushes his pant pocket back to their normal position and reaches in and pulls out $50.]
Al: [Smiles] That’s more like it. [Goes to the door of his office and opens it.] Johnny! Get that Jew and Bullock over here.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Tony Snow Steps Down
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by Walkara
Tony Snow: I'm saddened to be stepping down, but the president has found someone even better suited for miscommunication. Everyone: welcome John Monad, the new Press secretary.
(John walks in, snubs Tony Snow's extended hand, and stands at the podium. Reporters begin asking questions.)
Helen Thomas: Mr. Monad, when the president says "we cannot allow the Iranians to become a nuclear power", isn't he actually saying that he intends to nuke Iran?
John: Fuckin' Towelheads are gonna get themselves eradicated!
(The press corp gives a collective gasp. Tony Snow turns even whiter)
Les Kinsolving: Can we take that as an acknowledgement that the Bush administration is intent on going to war with Iran?
John: The line forms at Cheney's left.
(Another collective gasp)
David Broder: Does the Administration seek to use nuclear weapons as a preemptive measure?
John: We show Ahmadinejad how to do that.
(Everyone is silent)
David Gregory: (flustered) How does the White House plan to address domestic issues like immigration?
John: Goddamn taco benders just ran past me like I was Homeland Security. Too goddamn ignorant to realize who wants to help them.
Terrence Hunt: But how do you plan to "help them"?
John: Tomorrow is another day.
Terrence Hunt: Yes, it is, but that doesn't answer the question.
John: I'm shy about doing my business.
Terrence Hunt: What business are you referring to?
John: Dumping out. There's a buttplug exploiting my portal.
Jeff Ganon: I can help you with that.
Helen Thomas: How long can the White House justify acting in opposition to the will of the American people?
John: The end is near. Relief is coming 11/4/08.
Written by Walkara
Tony Snow: I'm saddened to be stepping down, but the president has found someone even better suited for miscommunication. Everyone: welcome John Monad, the new Press secretary.
(John walks in, snubs Tony Snow's extended hand, and stands at the podium. Reporters begin asking questions.)
Helen Thomas: Mr. Monad, when the president says "we cannot allow the Iranians to become a nuclear power", isn't he actually saying that he intends to nuke Iran?
John: Fuckin' Towelheads are gonna get themselves eradicated!
(The press corp gives a collective gasp. Tony Snow turns even whiter)
Les Kinsolving: Can we take that as an acknowledgement that the Bush administration is intent on going to war with Iran?
John: The line forms at Cheney's left.
(Another collective gasp)
David Broder: Does the Administration seek to use nuclear weapons as a preemptive measure?
John: We show Ahmadinejad how to do that.
(Everyone is silent)
David Gregory: (flustered) How does the White House plan to address domestic issues like immigration?
John: Goddamn taco benders just ran past me like I was Homeland Security. Too goddamn ignorant to realize who wants to help them.
Terrence Hunt: But how do you plan to "help them"?
John: Tomorrow is another day.
Terrence Hunt: Yes, it is, but that doesn't answer the question.
John: I'm shy about doing my business.
Terrence Hunt: What business are you referring to?
John: Dumping out. There's a buttplug exploiting my portal.
Jeff Ganon: I can help you with that.
Helen Thomas: How long can the White House justify acting in opposition to the will of the American people?
John: The end is near. Relief is coming 11/4/08.
Is Ramon Using the Right Grill?
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by waxon
(In the hotel parking lot/courtyard everyone is enjoying their waffles and chatting - Reference episode 12.)
Erlemeyer is standing alone gazing at the entrance leading to the hotel. A dark figure is approaching. Erlemeyer smiles in contentment.
As Freddy is talking to Ramon and Palaka, he notices the one approaching
Freddy: “Holy Shit.”
(Palaka, turning to see what he is referring to, drops his plate and remains with his mouth dropped)
Freddy: (Under his breath) “It’s him.”
The camera turns to John who is being talked to by the car salesman. Neither are aware of the figure approaching.
Ramon: “It is the Father?”
Freddy: “Its the one I saw in that fucking volcano.” (Ramon looks confused)
Zippy is perched on the edge of Bill’s plate and suddenly flies off.
Noticing the figure approaching, Sissy quickly throws her cigarette to the ground, Mitch, hovering a few inches off the ground, drops to the ground barely maintaining his balance.
Kai: (In disbelief) “Far out.”
Butchie: (in similar disbelief) “Bitchin!”
Shaun in the closest to the man approaching. He casually turns to him.
Shaun: “Hi, Uncle George.”
George: (Smiling) “Hi, Son!”
Butchie looks at Tina. In response, she shrugs her shoulders.
Now everyone is looking on.
George (looking at Butchie’s monad tee-shirt): “You know what my favorite thing is about that little guy? He is one lean little stick figure!”
Linc: “George Foreman?”
George: (grinning) “Well, I ain’t Babe Ruth”
Linc: “You are the Father?”
George: “No, I’m the brother”
Linc: “Who’s brother?”
George: “The Father’s brother”
Dwayne: “So, you are the uncle?”
George: (Laughing) “I guess you could say that!” George walks to Barry who, by now, is clutching his Bear. “I heard you were serving brunch, is there enough to go around?”
Barry looks to Ramon who is frantically patting sausages with paper towels…
Written by waxon
(In the hotel parking lot/courtyard everyone is enjoying their waffles and chatting - Reference episode 12.)
Erlemeyer is standing alone gazing at the entrance leading to the hotel. A dark figure is approaching. Erlemeyer smiles in contentment.
As Freddy is talking to Ramon and Palaka, he notices the one approaching
Freddy: “Holy Shit.”
(Palaka, turning to see what he is referring to, drops his plate and remains with his mouth dropped)
Freddy: (Under his breath) “It’s him.”
The camera turns to John who is being talked to by the car salesman. Neither are aware of the figure approaching.
Ramon: “It is the Father?”
Freddy: “Its the one I saw in that fucking volcano.” (Ramon looks confused)
Zippy is perched on the edge of Bill’s plate and suddenly flies off.
Noticing the figure approaching, Sissy quickly throws her cigarette to the ground, Mitch, hovering a few inches off the ground, drops to the ground barely maintaining his balance.
Kai: (In disbelief) “Far out.”
Butchie: (in similar disbelief) “Bitchin!”
Shaun in the closest to the man approaching. He casually turns to him.
Shaun: “Hi, Uncle George.”
George: (Smiling) “Hi, Son!”
Butchie looks at Tina. In response, she shrugs her shoulders.
Now everyone is looking on.
George (looking at Butchie’s monad tee-shirt): “You know what my favorite thing is about that little guy? He is one lean little stick figure!”
Linc: “George Foreman?”
George: (grinning) “Well, I ain’t Babe Ruth”
Linc: “You are the Father?”
George: “No, I’m the brother”
Linc: “Who’s brother?”
George: “The Father’s brother”
Dwayne: “So, you are the uncle?”
George: (Laughing) “I guess you could say that!” George walks to Barry who, by now, is clutching his Bear. “I heard you were serving brunch, is there enough to go around?”
Barry looks to Ramon who is frantically patting sausages with paper towels…
The Germinator
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by KatieDorrII
[Tina, in voiceover]
"3 Billion human lives dead on September 11th 2014. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war 'Judgement Day'. They lived, only to face a new nightmare. The war against the germinator machines."
A surfer wearing nothing but a Speedo and a smile aerials his oiled-up body expertly into IB.
A raggety group huddle around a barrel fire roasting Twinkies, the only food to survive the blast, and watch the surfer with interest and suspicion.
"Where did HE come from?"
"Why isn't he wearing a wetsuit?"
"I didn't see him paddle out."
"He's probably a beaner, just miscalculated the border." said Joe. These days he smuggled people into Mexico, with somewhat less success.
Since the nuclear winter began 3 years ago no one had been in the freezing water, yet Mitch ranted on about competitive surfing. The nuclear holocaust had been a minor irritation compared to Cissy's smoking, and his anger at Linc continued unabated.
As he walks onto dry land, Shaun walks toward him, as if compelled.
"How's it goin'?"
"I need your clothes, your shoes, and your skateboard" the stranger replies, in a thick, unfamiliar accent. "Vee haf to get out of the city immediately. "
"I guess, but I gotta stop by my house first."
"Negative. Zat is not a mission priority. Besides, your grandparents are dead."
"Oh. They have the keys to my El Camino."
"Okay but make it quick." he replies, and turns to address the group.
"I'll be back in the game. Hasta la vista, baby."
Vietnam Joe: "I told you guys he was a taco-bender! Hey, wait up, muchacho! I'll give you a ride if ya tengo any dinero."
He and Shaun walk with Joe to his van, when Cissy appears waving her gun and looking frantic.
"Oh hi Gram. I thought you were dead." Shaun said evenly.
"I lied. I vanted to avoid zat woman's tone of voice."
"Look who's talkin', you squarehead," Cissy sneared. "You fuckin' Nazi idiot with your fuckin' gap teeth and your fruity little shorts. Surfing must be a little rough on your nuts, if you have any--"
"Do I look German to you, bitch?" Picking Cissy up with one hand he sends her flying into a brick wall. It sounds like a melon dropped from a rooftop.
"Dude, that was awesome! But you can't just go around killing people even if they deserve it, like Gram."
"Vy not? I'm de Germinator."
"I thought you weren't German...."
"What the hell's going on here?" Bill Jacks barks, walking briskly up from the beach. "What's your name, where are you taking Shaun?"
"It's okay Bill. This is my friend, ... from Germany, I think."
"Forget Germany. He looks like an Austrian pervert to me. I'll ask again, who are you and where are you taking Shaun?"
As they're talking, we see Cissy in the background. Only temporarily stunned, she's busy loading her revolver and lighting a cigarette.
"My mission is to protect Shaun. It's in your nature to destroy yourselves. Your clothes. Give them to me now."
"I'm undertaking inquiries tomorrow, you pervert. I'll guarantee that goddamn much."
"Talk to da hand, dickwad."
[Tina, in voiceover]
"Of all the would-be fathers, this thing, this germinator, was the only one that measured up, if you get my crosseyed drift. It would never leave him. It would never hurt him, never shout at him. Never get high and show him how to---"
"Shut up you fucking whore!" Cissy screams, firing randomly into the air.
[fade to black]
Written by KatieDorrII
[Tina, in voiceover]
"3 Billion human lives dead on September 11th 2014. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war 'Judgement Day'. They lived, only to face a new nightmare. The war against the germinator machines."
A surfer wearing nothing but a Speedo and a smile aerials his oiled-up body expertly into IB.
A raggety group huddle around a barrel fire roasting Twinkies, the only food to survive the blast, and watch the surfer with interest and suspicion.
"Where did HE come from?"
"Why isn't he wearing a wetsuit?"
"I didn't see him paddle out."
"He's probably a beaner, just miscalculated the border." said Joe. These days he smuggled people into Mexico, with somewhat less success.
Since the nuclear winter began 3 years ago no one had been in the freezing water, yet Mitch ranted on about competitive surfing. The nuclear holocaust had been a minor irritation compared to Cissy's smoking, and his anger at Linc continued unabated.
As he walks onto dry land, Shaun walks toward him, as if compelled.
"How's it goin'?"
"I need your clothes, your shoes, and your skateboard" the stranger replies, in a thick, unfamiliar accent. "Vee haf to get out of the city immediately. "
"I guess, but I gotta stop by my house first."
"Negative. Zat is not a mission priority. Besides, your grandparents are dead."
"Oh. They have the keys to my El Camino."
"Okay but make it quick." he replies, and turns to address the group.
"I'll be back in the game. Hasta la vista, baby."
Vietnam Joe: "I told you guys he was a taco-bender! Hey, wait up, muchacho! I'll give you a ride if ya tengo any dinero."
He and Shaun walk with Joe to his van, when Cissy appears waving her gun and looking frantic.
"Oh hi Gram. I thought you were dead." Shaun said evenly.
"I lied. I vanted to avoid zat woman's tone of voice."
"Look who's talkin', you squarehead," Cissy sneared. "You fuckin' Nazi idiot with your fuckin' gap teeth and your fruity little shorts. Surfing must be a little rough on your nuts, if you have any--"
"Do I look German to you, bitch?" Picking Cissy up with one hand he sends her flying into a brick wall. It sounds like a melon dropped from a rooftop.
"Dude, that was awesome! But you can't just go around killing people even if they deserve it, like Gram."
"Vy not? I'm de Germinator."
"I thought you weren't German...."
"What the hell's going on here?" Bill Jacks barks, walking briskly up from the beach. "What's your name, where are you taking Shaun?"
"It's okay Bill. This is my friend, ... from Germany, I think."
"Forget Germany. He looks like an Austrian pervert to me. I'll ask again, who are you and where are you taking Shaun?"
As they're talking, we see Cissy in the background. Only temporarily stunned, she's busy loading her revolver and lighting a cigarette.
"My mission is to protect Shaun. It's in your nature to destroy yourselves. Your clothes. Give them to me now."
"I'm undertaking inquiries tomorrow, you pervert. I'll guarantee that goddamn much."
"Talk to da hand, dickwad."
[Tina, in voiceover]
"Of all the would-be fathers, this thing, this germinator, was the only one that measured up, if you get my crosseyed drift. It would never leave him. It would never hurt him, never shout at him. Never get high and show him how to---"
"Shut up you fucking whore!" Cissy screams, firing randomly into the air.
[fade to black]
Saturday, September 22, 2007
John's Other Visitations - Nicki Begins To Think About Divorcing Bill
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by Walkara
John: The end is near.
Nicki: That's ridiculous; Papa prophesied that Armageddon isn't coming until next year.
John: Fuckin' pligs are gonna get themselves eradicated.
Nicki: Judas Priest!!! Are agents of the anti-Christ already on their way?!--and mind your language please!
John: Judas Priest is my father's son too.
Nicki: Oh my stars!!! You are the anti-Christ?! Run children! The last hour is here!
John: (grabs her hand, and reaches into his pocket with the other) What do you want, Nicki Grant?
Nicki: (suspiciously turning toward him) An American Express Black Card with no limit.
(John hands the card to her)
Nicki: (marveling over the credit card) Goodness gracious! it's beautiful!
Wayne: (running into the room, taking Nicki by the hand) C'mon, Mother, or the Beast will get us.
Nicki: Go play with Raymond, Wayne. Mommy needs to talk with her friend. Do as I say and I'll take you shopping later.
Wayne: But mother...he's...the Antichrist!
Nicki: SCOOT!
Written by Walkara
John: The end is near.
Nicki: That's ridiculous; Papa prophesied that Armageddon isn't coming until next year.
John: Fuckin' pligs are gonna get themselves eradicated.
Nicki: Judas Priest!!! Are agents of the anti-Christ already on their way?!--and mind your language please!
John: Judas Priest is my father's son too.
Nicki: Oh my stars!!! You are the anti-Christ?! Run children! The last hour is here!
John: (grabs her hand, and reaches into his pocket with the other) What do you want, Nicki Grant?
Nicki: (suspiciously turning toward him) An American Express Black Card with no limit.
(John hands the card to her)
Nicki: (marveling over the credit card) Goodness gracious! it's beautiful!
Wayne: (running into the room, taking Nicki by the hand) C'mon, Mother, or the Beast will get us.
Nicki: Go play with Raymond, Wayne. Mommy needs to talk with her friend. Do as I say and I'll take you shopping later.
Wayne: But mother...he's...the Antichrist!
Nicki: SCOOT!
John's Other Vistations - I Hope He Had Some of Aunt Bee's Cooking
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by waxon
Aunt Bee: Andy! Andy! Opey’s gone!
Andy: What do you mean gone?
Aunt Bee: I mean he was in his bed and now he’s gone!
Andy: Well now, Aunt Bee, I’m sure Opey’s just got up early and went fishin.
Barney: That’s impossible, Aunt Bee, I was parked outside the house all night.
Aunt Bee: (Crying) Well he’s gone and that John Monad boy has taken him.
Andy: Now, Aunt Bee, that John fella wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Barney: You know what he is don’t you, Andy?
Andy: What?
Barney: A shape shifter!
Andy: A shape–what?
Barney: A shape shifter. They have supernatural powers, you know.
Andy: Barne, was Otis in the car with you?
Written by waxon
Aunt Bee: Andy! Andy! Opey’s gone!
Andy: What do you mean gone?
Aunt Bee: I mean he was in his bed and now he’s gone!
Andy: Well now, Aunt Bee, I’m sure Opey’s just got up early and went fishin.
Barney: That’s impossible, Aunt Bee, I was parked outside the house all night.
Aunt Bee: (Crying) Well he’s gone and that John Monad boy has taken him.
Andy: Now, Aunt Bee, that John fella wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Barney: You know what he is don’t you, Andy?
Andy: What?
Barney: A shape shifter!
Andy: A shape–what?
Barney: A shape shifter. They have supernatural powers, you know.
Andy: Barne, was Otis in the car with you?
John's Other Visitations - One Night in Sunnydale
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by theshriek
[Buffy and the Scoobies are on patrol. A group of vampires appear, and Buffy quickly dispatches them to dust while the Scoobies stand around talking and watching her. Suddenly behind Buffy another figure appears. She swings around and stabs him in the chest. She immediately realizes her mistake.]
Buffy: I am sorry! I so thought you were a vampire.
[She and the Scoobies are not really surprised when the man’s wound begins to heal immediately.]
Zander: [Sarcastically] Oh great! It is going to be one of those kind of nights.
Buffy: What are you?
John: I am John.
Zander: [To Buffy and Willow] They must be running out of names for species in hell.
John: The end is near.
The Scoobies in unison: NOT AGAIN!!
John: When we come on 9/11/14 Buffy can wield her stick.
Buffy: That’s my job.
John: Willow can cast a spell to help Buffy wield her stick. Zander can stand around and talk.
Zander: Hey! That is not fair. I contribute. There was that time…
Willow: [Interrupting Zander] Look at his shirt. That figure looks familiar. What is it?
Zander: It looks like that self-portrait you did when we were in second grade.
Willow: I remember now. It is a Monad, and they are not evil. The only detail that I remember about them is their ability to heal themselves.
Buffy: We need to get him to Giles. Let’s go John.
[John holds out his hand. Buffy takes his hand and the group leaves the cemetery.]
Written by theshriek
[Buffy and the Scoobies are on patrol. A group of vampires appear, and Buffy quickly dispatches them to dust while the Scoobies stand around talking and watching her. Suddenly behind Buffy another figure appears. She swings around and stabs him in the chest. She immediately realizes her mistake.]
Buffy: I am sorry! I so thought you were a vampire.
[She and the Scoobies are not really surprised when the man’s wound begins to heal immediately.]
Zander: [Sarcastically] Oh great! It is going to be one of those kind of nights.
Buffy: What are you?
John: I am John.
Zander: [To Buffy and Willow] They must be running out of names for species in hell.
John: The end is near.
The Scoobies in unison: NOT AGAIN!!
John: When we come on 9/11/14 Buffy can wield her stick.
Buffy: That’s my job.
John: Willow can cast a spell to help Buffy wield her stick. Zander can stand around and talk.
Zander: Hey! That is not fair. I contribute. There was that time…
Willow: [Interrupting Zander] Look at his shirt. That figure looks familiar. What is it?
Zander: It looks like that self-portrait you did when we were in second grade.
Willow: I remember now. It is a Monad, and they are not evil. The only detail that I remember about them is their ability to heal themselves.
Buffy: We need to get him to Giles. Let’s go John.
[John holds out his hand. Buffy takes his hand and the group leaves the cemetery.]
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Ramon and Barry Show
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by Spiritonthewater
(Mitch Cissy Butchie Kai Shaun and John are all in the living room of the Yost house sitting in front of the T.V.)
Shaun: I wish we had Satellite Gramps.
Mitch: What, so we can watch shows that’ll be cancelled just when we get hooked on ‘em? No thanks, waste of money and too much aggravation.
Butchie: Hey I got an idea, John, walk over by the T.V. for a second and grab that antenna on top.
(John does as Butchie asks and everyone gasps as the screen brightens up and what looks like a high definition picture comes into focus)
Butchie: Now stand one leg John.
John: My father says channel surfing is not the thing itself.
Cissy: Wait a minute, move the antenna to the left a little ( John complies) there stop! That’s that ball buster bitch, oh... what’s her name?
Butchie, Kai, Shaun: (In unison) WEEDS!
Butchie: Stand right there John!
(John drops his leg and the picture turns to static. Shaun and Kai groan and throw popcorn at John)
Butchie: What the fuck John, put you leg back up where you had it!
John: (raises his leg back up and restores the picture) I want my money bitch! I’m proud of you mom... I bet you look good rolling out of bed in the morning...
Mitch: (Levitating up to the ceiling) Well I’ll be damned, the jokers like some sort of direct Tv high definition receiver.
John: All you need is a clear view of the southern sky.
Written by Spiritonthewater
(Mitch Cissy Butchie Kai Shaun and John are all in the living room of the Yost house sitting in front of the T.V.)
Shaun: I wish we had Satellite Gramps.
Mitch: What, so we can watch shows that’ll be cancelled just when we get hooked on ‘em? No thanks, waste of money and too much aggravation.
Butchie: Hey I got an idea, John, walk over by the T.V. for a second and grab that antenna on top.
(John does as Butchie asks and everyone gasps as the screen brightens up and what looks like a high definition picture comes into focus)
Butchie: Now stand one leg John.
John: My father says channel surfing is not the thing itself.
Cissy: Wait a minute, move the antenna to the left a little ( John complies) there stop! That’s that ball buster bitch, oh... what’s her name?
Butchie, Kai, Shaun: (In unison) WEEDS!
Butchie: Stand right there John!
(John drops his leg and the picture turns to static. Shaun and Kai groan and throw popcorn at John)
Butchie: What the fuck John, put you leg back up where you had it!
John: (raises his leg back up and restores the picture) I want my money bitch! I’m proud of you mom... I bet you look good rolling out of bed in the morning...
Mitch: (Levitating up to the ceiling) Well I’ll be damned, the jokers like some sort of direct Tv high definition receiver.
John: All you need is a clear view of the southern sky.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
John's Other Visitations - John Meets Al - Part II
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati, Deadwood, and their canon characters are the property of HBO and the shows's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by waxon
Al: (Opens his desk drawer, pulls out a bottle and two glasses. Then he walks over to the cabinet where he keeps the Indian head, opens it and speaks to it)
“Let me introduce you to your fucking maker”
(Turns and pours the two glasses full, hands one to John and says)
“John from Cincinnati, Al Swearingen is ready to play!”
(Al turns his glass up and John imitates. Then Al goes to the door, opens it, and Johnny falls in from listening.)
“Johnny, find the whore who has most recently bathed and give her to this boy! Tell her, if he is not back in my office in 1 hour with the biggets fucking smile I have ever fucking seen, I will personally cut her fucking throat!”
Written by waxon
Al: (Opens his desk drawer, pulls out a bottle and two glasses. Then he walks over to the cabinet where he keeps the Indian head, opens it and speaks to it)
“Let me introduce you to your fucking maker”
(Turns and pours the two glasses full, hands one to John and says)
“John from Cincinnati, Al Swearingen is ready to play!”
(Al turns his glass up and John imitates. Then Al goes to the door, opens it, and Johnny falls in from listening.)
“Johnny, find the whore who has most recently bathed and give her to this boy! Tell her, if he is not back in my office in 1 hour with the biggets fucking smile I have ever fucking seen, I will personally cut her fucking throat!”
John's Other Visitations - John Meets Al - Part I
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John's Other Visitations - John eats at the Double R Diner
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by backinthegame
(Agent Cooper is in his hotel room dictating)
Cooper: Diane, 12:08am, a disconcerting day to say the least. Started well. Cherry pie, and wow the coffee! Diane, did I ever tell you about the cup of Joe you could get in that diner in Grand Rapids? If a man is to go about his business he surely needs some great coffee.
So I'm sitting in the double-r finishing my first cup and am interrupted by a tall man with poodle hair. next time you're in Gordon's office take a look at his graduation picture, you'll get the idea.
"The end is near" he says. "Don't worry, there's more in the pot" I reply. "Coffee doesn't ring a bell" he says and stands there just smiling at me. Diane, I will admit to having a knack for judging a person's character, but in this case I got nothing. I saw an empty vessel, and yet I have a inexplicable feeling that the vessel will accept only light.
"What is your name" I ask; "My name is John" he replies "Major Briggs is a doubting Thomas. Leland's hair will soon turn white!" spins around and walks off. Diane, that is a conversation, stranger than I had with the log lady's log. Tomorrow, I promise I will try to track down this John again, I feel now that he may yet have an important part to play.
Written by backinthegame
(Agent Cooper is in his hotel room dictating)
Cooper: Diane, 12:08am, a disconcerting day to say the least. Started well. Cherry pie, and wow the coffee! Diane, did I ever tell you about the cup of Joe you could get in that diner in Grand Rapids? If a man is to go about his business he surely needs some great coffee.
So I'm sitting in the double-r finishing my first cup and am interrupted by a tall man with poodle hair. next time you're in Gordon's office take a look at his graduation picture, you'll get the idea.
"The end is near" he says. "Don't worry, there's more in the pot" I reply. "Coffee doesn't ring a bell" he says and stands there just smiling at me. Diane, I will admit to having a knack for judging a person's character, but in this case I got nothing. I saw an empty vessel, and yet I have a inexplicable feeling that the vessel will accept only light.
"What is your name" I ask; "My name is John" he replies "Major Briggs is a doubting Thomas. Leland's hair will soon turn white!" spins around and walks off. Diane, that is a conversation, stranger than I had with the log lady's log. Tomorrow, I promise I will try to track down this John again, I feel now that he may yet have an important part to play.
John's Other Visitations - Stardate 10110101
DISCLAIMER: John From Cincinnati and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
Written by Waxon
Captains log, Stardate 10110101. While on course to record the effects of the increased frequency of temporal waves in the I.B. Sector, the Enterprise came upon what appeared to be a man floating in space. After beaming the body aboard, Dr. McCoy began an autopsy of the body - only to discover the man ... was alive.
McCoy: Jim, this man’s cells are reproducing at an astonishing rate. His wounds completely heal within seconds. I’ve never seen anything like it.
Spock: In Vulcan folklore a Vulcan named Monad once had the ability to heal himself and, thus, achieve immortality.
McCoy: Where is he now, Spock?
Spock: (Eyebrow raised) No one knows for sure, that is why it is considered folklore.
Jim: I think we may have just found your Monad, Spock.
Spock: It would appear so.
McCoy: Jim, do you realize what this could mean?
Jim: Yes, Bones, you may be looking for a job. Have you ever considered being a bartender?
Spock: This is simply not logical, Jim – for Monad to appear here… and now. There must be a logical explanation.
McCoy: Well leave it to a green blooded computer to look a gift horse in the mouth. Who cares how he got here or where he’s from. Jim, I need to begin running tests.
Jim: Not..just..yet, Bones. Spock’s right. We must know his origin. Who is he? Where is he from? How…how did he get here?
John: The end is near.
Spock: Fascinating.
Written by Waxon
Captains log, Stardate 10110101. While on course to record the effects of the increased frequency of temporal waves in the I.B. Sector, the Enterprise came upon what appeared to be a man floating in space. After beaming the body aboard, Dr. McCoy began an autopsy of the body - only to discover the man ... was alive.
McCoy: Jim, this man’s cells are reproducing at an astonishing rate. His wounds completely heal within seconds. I’ve never seen anything like it.
Spock: In Vulcan folklore a Vulcan named Monad once had the ability to heal himself and, thus, achieve immortality.
McCoy: Where is he now, Spock?
Spock: (Eyebrow raised) No one knows for sure, that is why it is considered folklore.
Jim: I think we may have just found your Monad, Spock.
Spock: It would appear so.
McCoy: Jim, do you realize what this could mean?
Jim: Yes, Bones, you may be looking for a job. Have you ever considered being a bartender?
Spock: This is simply not logical, Jim – for Monad to appear here… and now. There must be a logical explanation.
McCoy: Well leave it to a green blooded computer to look a gift horse in the mouth. Who cares how he got here or where he’s from. Jim, I need to begin running tests.
Jim: Not..just..yet, Bones. Spock’s right. We must know his origin. Who is he? Where is he from? How…how did he get here?
John: The end is near.
Spock: Fascinating.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
John From Cincinnati, Episode 11, His Visit Day 10
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