Tony Snow Steps Down

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Written by Walkara

Tony Snow: I'm saddened to be stepping down, but the president has found someone even better suited for miscommunication. Everyone: welcome John Monad, the new Press secretary.

(John walks in, snubs Tony Snow's extended hand, and stands at the podium. Reporters begin asking questions.)

Helen Thomas: Mr. Monad, when the president says "we cannot allow the Iranians to become a nuclear power", isn't he actually saying that he intends to nuke Iran?

John: Fuckin' Towelheads are gonna get themselves eradicated!

(The press corp gives a collective gasp. Tony Snow turns even whiter)

Les Kinsolving: Can we take that as an acknowledgement that the Bush administration is intent on going to war with Iran?

John: The line forms at Cheney's left.

(Another collective gasp)

David Broder: Does the Administration seek to use nuclear weapons as a preemptive measure?

John: We show Ahmadinejad how to do that.

(Everyone is silent)

David Gregory: (flustered) How does the White House plan to address domestic issues like immigration?

John: Goddamn taco benders just ran past me like I was Homeland Security. Too goddamn ignorant to realize who wants to help them.

Terrence Hunt: But how do you plan to "help them"?

John: Tomorrow is another day.

Terrence Hunt: Yes, it is, but that doesn't answer the question.

John: I'm shy about doing my business.

Terrence Hunt: What business are you referring to?

John: Dumping out. There's a buttplug exploiting my portal.

Jeff Ganon: I can help you with that.

Helen Thomas: How long can the White House justify acting in opposition to the will of the American people?

John: The end is near. Relief is coming 11/4/08.